Feb. 28 - 1:05pm

My friend didn't want to give me a ride to something but then uber was so expensive that she had to. And now I am feeling such crushing guilt I feel like my heart might cave in beneath it.

Last night I drilled holes in the bottom of two tomato cans from when I made chicken parmesan last week. I planted sage in one tomato can and basil in another. I got dirt all over my carpet because that is where I decided to plant them. But it vacuumed up easily enough. I figured I let the kids make such spectacular messes in my classroom that end up getting cleaned up, I might as well make some of my own.

Feb. 27 - 5:55pm

Today we had to give the kids a standardized test that isn't one of the important ones so the kids were all wound up and I was not having a good time. I had to take all of their phones and then two students were so slow giving me their phones so when the test was over I gave everyone back their phones except those two kids and when they said "whhhyyyyyy???" I said "you made me wait and wait and wait and wait, so now you can wait." and another kid said that was bars. Putting this here so I can check back if that was actually bars or he was just being a teacher's pet.

I hate teaching. Why do I have to always be telling kids that a stinky fart isn't an appropriate reason to jump out of your seat, scream and demand you be allowed to leave the room.

But also I love being a teacher because no one ever thinks it's your stinky fart.

Feb. 27 - 2:38pm

hate kids

Feb. 26 - 4:08pm

Still at school. I was getting ready to go and a 6th grader asked if she could come in and work on her atmosphere project. Sometimes I feel like a total loser and other times a kid knocks on my door at 7:50 begging to show me the staircase they made out of cardboard for their project and I feel like crying.

I think I think about when I was a kid and I would spend hours sitting at the little table my mom mosaicked with a lizard working on some project with my hands. The feeling of being really proud of an assignment you completed always felt to me like a giddy euphoria. It's hard to believe I'm able to cultivate that feeling for my students when I'm feeling such acute imposter syndrome on account of being an imposter.

The janitor printed out Wynton Marsalis' 12 rules for practice and has been handing them out. He gave me a copy and told me to buy a sheet protector for it and read it daily.

Wynton Marsalis' 12 Rules for Practice

1. Seek out instruction

2. Write out a schedule

3. Set goals

4. Concentrate

5. Relax and practice slowly

6. Practice hard things longer

7. Practice with expression

8. Learn from your mistakes

9. Donʼt show off

10. Think for yourself

11. Be optimistic

12. Look for connections

He told me that his life was ruined because of the girl he was messing around with when he was 20. God help me to find my way to a gentler fate.

Feb. 21 - 8:11am

I bought taquitos from the store last week and I can't recommend them enough. Those people over at Taquitos have magic pulsing through their factories. Growing up my mom and dad would work until 5 so my brother and I would always make food for ourselves after school.

Here were some things that were on the menu:

- Burritos with a can of chili beans and cheddar cheese (often served in pairs)

- Totinos Pizzas (I would eat all the cheese off the top of my slices and then eat the naked crust)

- Boxed Mac and Cheese (once while preparing my brother climbed on the counter to get the strainer and stepped on the oven door handle which opened as he fell on the floor, splashing the boiling mac and cheese water onto his face)

- Ketchup sandwich with wheat bread and ketchup ONLY

- Taquitos

- Half of a pita filled with cheddar cheese and salsa

Sometimes my brother would order dominos deliver and when the delivery guy came to the door I would be petrified and so in awe of my brother handing over 20$ to the pimply college kid and going, "thanks. the rest is for you. see ya." and then opening up cartons of wings and a steaming pie.

Feb. 20 - 7:52pm

I am really unable to control the mess that sort of bubbles out of my classroom. I'm starting a project next week where they are building a model of the atmosphere however they choose and I've been having chest pains thinking about the classroom clean-up systems that I definitely do not have in place.

This uncontrollable and uncontainable mess has put me at odds with the janitors all year. I've had a few rotate through my room this year, always advising me that I shouldn't let them eat in here as I nod smiling in front of my NO EATING!!! signs. I can't figure out the food thing. It's just so sneaky and then presto it's on the floor and they are gone. Kids will come to me at 11am with takis and a bag of gummy bears in their hands begging me, "please! I haven't eaten anything all day!"

The current janitor started talking to me because I have a sign outside my door that has facts about me and one of them is that I'm from California. He came in one day talking on and on to me about how soon he was going to get his ticket at head to California. He asked for my email so I could give him recommendations. For weeks our only interactions were him coming in to empty my trash and saying "you're parents are probably just waking up right now!" or "bet it never gets like this in California!" Now we somehow got onto the topic of his interest in improvisational jazz? He asked me if I played guitar and I said yes (which is true in only the most literal sense) and he started explaining music theory to me.

I was trying to read his name tag while he was saying, "Every Good Boy Does Fine, right, so in guitar the G chord is... what? The G chord is G D B, right? So G is the root." I think it is Voris.

Feb. 18 - 4:33pm

The j key and the shift bar on my laptop are a little sticky. I feel like we should have developed keyboards to be more hearty. Why are their holes directly into the most delicate part of my laptop? someone fix please.

Today during PD we had a speaker tell us that we should be the teacher we wished we had and knew we needed. My hands were so clammy that whole meeting and I felt like my clothes all started to fit weird. I told my friend I was going to start trying to flirt with the high school math teacher. It felt like something fun to do in a life that has felt so consumed by school and work. But now I just spend PDs looking at the back of his head and feeling like a failure.

I ran into a kid from my old school on the way home today. She gave me a hug and I asked her about school. She told me it's too much drama because everyone keeps trying to fight her. But I'm not worried about her. From what I remember she could really hold her own. She has braces now with baby blue rubber bands that matched her shayla.

Ramadan started today so a bunch of the kids started fasting. I'm impressed with their conviction. I've really been reflecting on how absolutely debilitating it is whenever I try to teach and haven't eaten breakfast or lunch. The school has advised us to be extra patient with our kids during this time.